Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Blank Page



Blank.

My mind has gone blank.

So much to say and share but my voice is quietly protesting.

Stubborn.

The cursor just blinks patiently as I open up the laptop, wanting to write but nothing comes out.

Is my voice shy? Tired? Bored? Protesting against frivolity?

Maybe she needed a bit of time out?

A holiday away from Whoa Mamma Land?

Maybe my voice said: "Ssh! Listen. You hear that? That's the sound of your family needing your presence, the greatest gift you can ever give them. Stop checking in on Facebook before kissing them good morning. Stop trying to take the perfect pic to post on Instagram and just ENJOY the moment. It will never come again".

Oh, the irony!

When life is in a frenzy, that's when my voice is the loudest. I would blog on the run,  while cooking dinner, I'd wake in the middle of the night. Whenever the inspiration would hit, I'd take a 'Mamma Time Out' and charge at the laptop.

Now, life is quieter, things are falling into place. There is a contentness and a serenity to the rhythm of my life, which is wonderful, but also scary, in a way.

The New Year is fast approaching. It will bring about great life changes.

An exciting new business venture for darling Le Husband; opening a restaurant! Hurrah!

The New Year will also see my baby girl joining her bigger sisters and heading off to school.

I often jokingly rub my hands with glee when speaking about my baby going to school.
But the truth is, I'm sad.
It's the end of an era.

For years (6.8 to be exact) I have pondered what it would be like to have all 3 kids at school.
To have FREE TIME.
It's been so long, I don't know what to do with it.

Return to work? What work? Panic sets in when I think about it.

Freedom.
Something I've been yearning for for so long, but it's terrifying me.

You see, I need a purpose.

My last 6.8 years have been dedicated to staying home and raising my children.
That was my choice, that gave me a sense of purpose.
Now, there is a slot of time that I can Dedicate To Me and I'm panicking.

What to do with this precious time?
Work, study, relax, clean, volunteer, work from home?
Sometimes I feel I need to validate my time. Crazy, yes? No?
I don't know where to start.
I'm going blank.

I've loved being a Stay At Home Mamma (well, not every minute of it, to be quite honest, but every other minute). It's become such a great big part of who I am, that sometimes I'm not sure who I am without it.

Can I still be a Stay At Home Mamma even when the kids are at school?


The new era is a Blank Page and the cursor is patiently blinking.

The Blank Page is Me.

What am I going to write on that page? 
I'm the author and the editor. 
The main character, the star of my show. 

I'd rather fill that page (and my life) with inspirational triumphs over tragedies, panty-wetting laughter over self-indulgent tears, and swoonworthy/butterflies-in-tummy romance over not-worth-wasting-my-breath drama. I want to fill that page with adventures and engage with wonderfully inspiring and creative characters that add colour and passion to my life. 

I want to turn that Blank Page into such an engrossing novel that I just never want to put it down.

Well... I guess my voice had something to say afterall...

P.S What do you think of this ending:

"And she lived Happily Ever After"




What do you do when your voice goes quiet?

22 comments:

Deb @ home life simplified said...

Well i think you just found your voice - everything you wrote about i want to read about - share what your journey is now. i am in the same boat(a tiny bit ahead of you). i am 40 and finding my purpose. After my younger daughter started school i spent a year or so enjoying my time - room to breathe, volunteer, go to the movies finally (no longer having to wait for DVDs LOL), on top of the house... and then i got bored (unexpected as i am a homebody) so started HLS. i am on a journey though and know you are too lovely! share when and what you want - i love reading your words.

Jess WhoaMamma said...

Oh thank you so much, beautiful Deb! Life is a journey, isn't it? Sometimes we get caught up in the travelling and the sights and the adventures that we forget that stopping and pausing is actually good and productive too. So happy you stopped by, lovely lady. You made my day xxxx

Sophie Allen said...

Wow I dream of that very same day, when my 4 are all at school. 2 down, 2 to go!

Have a gap year.. enjoy doing nothing.

Kylie Purtell said...

How exciting, to have a blank page, the endless possibilities! I agree with Sophie, you should definitely have a gap year, you deserve it! #fybf

Grace said...

Oh, I love this, Jess. I love your raw honesty.
The twinlets will be adding a day at daycare next year (currently on 2) and I know it's definitely going to be a big change. Am I happy about it? Am I looking forward to the freedom? Am I terrified of the changes? All of that...and more!
Blank pages are good. They will fill up with many beautiful adventures and different journeys. And as always, we'll be here to read all about yours.
Much love to you xxx

Anonymous said...

Loved this post. I'm in same boat 2013 too- taking a year out to feel the space & enjoy the discernment - reward myself for 6.5 yrs with kiddies at home; my volunteer work & motherhood satisfies me! Immensely. Coffee, gym, parent help, church work (unpaid), photo book making, cookbook trawling & soul ful time for me-- that's 2013 for me?! You ... Enjoy Thr process xo tessie QLD

Anonymous said...

Inspiring story there. What happened after?
Good luck!
Here is my website animenarutohentai.thumblogger.com

Mumabulous said...

I can so relate to this post. P1 is going to school next year and P2 will be in daycare three days a week! Ya -freakin'- hoo! This means I should get off my lily white butt and do something. Its a question of re-invention. I look forward to hearing how your story turns out.

Alison said...

I think you have an exciting time ahead of you filling that blank page!!!

Stopping by from SITS Sharefest.

Recreate and Decorate said...

OMG that was the best year of my life!!! I remember how akward it felt at first, took me a while to get a new routine, but when I did, OMG was it great!! 6 years later I am still loving it!!
dropping by from Sits

DGMommy Tamara said...

What a beautiful expression of "What now?" I'm almost there. SAH/WAHM (mostly) for the past 7 years. My 3-year-old will start "playschool" for 3 days a week in January and that will be such a change! But I'm already busy filling up the pages of it and hope to do so successfully.

I love your writing. Perhaps you should spend your days filling pages of a book! That'll keep you busy.

Kerrie @ Family Food and Travel said...

A beautiful post and such an exciting 'problem' to have. I always brainstorm or freewrite when I have time like that about what I want to do. Once I look back on the things I have written I can make a decision about what goals I want to set.

Enjoy the dreaming and the planning!

Kerrie
http://familyfoodtravel.blogspot.ca

doseofreality said...

Coming by from SITS Saturday Sharefest, and I am so glad I did! I loved this post. You nailed it all so well! :)

Ashley @ Bottles, Diapers... Babies said...

I'm not ending the end of my SAHM days yet, but am thinking about what I'll do once they come already. Right now I provide childcare in my home, so I could continue to do that, or go work in the childcare field since that's what I went to school to do... or do something completely different. Good thing I have sometime to think about it because I don't know what I want to do after being a SAHM. Have a great weekend.

Stopping by from the Sharefest.
Ashley @ Bottles, Diapers... Babies
http://forgetfulmomma.com

Jacqui (CRAP Mamma) said...

Love this post Jess, raw and honest. I think the ending should be 'and she continued living happily.....'

Your next 'purpose' will come in time, in the mean time let life wash over you xx

Anne Downing said...

It is exciting there are so many options for you. Love the happy ending!

kirri said...

I'm really looking forward to reading about your continuing adventures and hearing more of your heartfelt voice xx

kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

It is an exciting chapter you are about to start.

Trust me.

And trust the blogging pause. The best stuff flows freely when you don't force it.

xx

Jodi @ Heal Now and Forever said...

When my voice wants to stay quiet, I go within. And re-charge.

You'll find your mission, once you say yes! And it will change constantly!

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

How are you going now Jess ?

We Heart Life said...

My voice goes quiet often. I just fall off this blogging planet for weeks or months at a time. I just sit there blank.

I just try and write when I can and think of things to share.

But I just don't think I have a love of blogging anymore.

Thanks for sharing your blog on We Heart Life yesterday xx

Carly [Creator of We Heart Life]

Anonymous said...

Miss you. Still check in. How was school??? Theresa

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